Friday, October 29, 2010

I'm so sick of being back home and returning to my depressing old self again. I now know what I hate so much here. I fucking hate the rude people who just bump into you or just stand there in the middle of the freaking road and throw dirty faces at you when you almost run over their kids. I hate how everybody only seems to notice my hair and piercing and already think they know what kind of a person I am, just because. How my parents suddenly make me watch old home videos again and whine about how I should grow out my hair and be the old 6-year-old me again, pulling me back into the past just when I finally was able to look at the future. My dad who is secretly not happy about me finding happiness in a far away country and my mum who's only looking forward to being re-united with her boyfriend. I don't know why I think that I'm SUPPOSED to stay here. If I would find some awesome art school or ANYTHING somewhere in America, or England or Scotland even I could just make plans and leave this place that brings me down. The people that I met on my trip, they saw the 'me' that I think I am. They didn't know about who I was before. They saw a (to me) decently pretty girl with a will and a goal, maybe a little rough around the edges and with some tiny little scars, but still willing and capable of doing something and being someone. Everyone around here, they always see the old me. I know they want me to be that person I was a gazillion years ago. I come to face the hard reality that everything and everyone changes and that, once you observe something or someone long enough, it never turns out as good as you thought it would be judging from your first impression.

You are still as amazing though and I'm having such a hard time being so far away from you. I don't know if you read this, if you're able to or you even bother. You're different from everyone around here in the best way possible. It's no fun being 'lonely' somtimes but it's even more shit when you know you don't necessarily have to be. Yet there's nothing you can do about it.

I think I've come to the conclusion I don't want to stay in this country. I know most people don't find the country they live in all that interesting, but I simply hate mine with a passion. It just sucks that it's not easy to check out schools and such from so far away and I don't want to get stuck at some school I don't like in a far away country for years, quit, and end up with no school at all.

Daww. I love my family, still. But it's so damn hard being the youngest sometimes, because all your brothers and sisters keep seeing you as the 'little one', the one who still has the most to learn, while sometimes I'm convinced that's not entirely true. Goddamn.

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